


Lament of the Lambs

by ScarletDia



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Action, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Cannibalism, Deaths, Drama, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, High School, On the Run, Organized crimes, Pretend Siblings, Romance, Trying to coexist, University Life, Violence, hidden identities, pretence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-26 21:32:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5021251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletDia/pseuds/ScarletDia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Waking up isn't pleasant, especially if you're an amnesic. Having no memories is a minor issue when having a family like his. His older brother, the silent type. His younger sister, the violent type. These two together attract more trouble than a ghoul to human flesh. They're a peaceful, loving family...running an underground ghoul organization on the sidelines. </p><p>Disasters are abound.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awakening—Spider lilies and white spaces

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a long multi-chapter story with plot and character developments! There are many symbolic significance here so feel free to interpret them in the comments below. I look forward to your feedbacks! 
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

This is how Kaneki Ken awakens. 

The process in surfacing from deep oblivious unconsciousness, was remarkably like waiting in a long line up inside a bookstore to get his favourite author to sign his most beloved book. The endless line of people in front and behind made him frustrated seeing as he wasn’t getting closer to the front. It seemed to stretch, never shrinking or moving as he stood _inside the line._ Never outside, if he had, he would lose his place. He was just among the many, the mass of ordinary people in a normal settling getting his book sign. A person that lives within society's laws, living a perfectly mediocre life. He probably was one of those perfect outstanding citizen. He guess he'll die as any other outstanding citizen too, working his life away within the clogs of society, contributing as much as he can before dying within its system. But anyways that wasn't the point. His mind was wandering because the line was way too long! He has been standing here for hours! Somehow it all seems endless, pointless even, the unbearable wait…until he realizes he was almost there! He could see the light to his tunnel. The end to his journey. The finish line to his conclusion! 

He was finally next! His mind was flooded with jumble of numerous things to say. He loved Takatsuki Sen’s works! He reads all of them. One being the book he held dearly near his heart, the white book titled, ‘The Black Goat’s Egg’. Somehow it speaks to him, the protagonist was the most relatable in all its haunting revelations. The white book was in his opinion, Takatsuki Sen's best works! She was his idol, famous among the literature circle! He was finally here, meeting the very person! But he shouldn’t get nervous, he’ll only be able to be in the present of Takasuki Sen for only so long, literally for a matter of minutes! He also doesn’t want to be those crazy fans, or those that doesn’t know what to say and ends up mumbling or fidgeting! He somehow needed to make an impression, a memorable image. He was damn sure to make the wait worth it all!

Yet when he was call next, his foot froze in place. Everything was blinding white. No his surroundings has been dyed by black ink. Blooming in the darkness was red spider lilies that spread behind him, the people, the line had disappear. Now it was just a sea of crimson. Oddly, he doesn’t move, never thought about advancing… So why was the light getting bigger?! Instead, it seemed to be approaching him with frightening speed. No! He doesn’t want to leave yet! He was so close, he was almost there! He was—the light enclose on him, he was consume by bright white. 

**Crack**

—similar to his Sundays as he groggily turned on his mattress to block the burning rays from blinding his senses. Then lazily groaning as he tiredly covered himself from head to toes with his warm blanket. He decided he was too comfortable to surface to a conscious state. Rather the simple effort to open his heavy eyelids were nonexistence. He was in a type of deep slumber where he doesn’t want to ever wake up to his dreary, mediocre life. 

He was happy here. Perfectly content with his present state. It was a nice pleasant sensation of floating peacefully…quietly…disappearing like he had never existed. He was fading…no, he was dye by the color. White surrounds him. Blank, everything has gone blank, empty and white. He was blank. 

_It was nice here._ He wouldn’t mind staying... 

Yet, this pricking light was unrelenting, it shines brilliantly on his closed eyelids. He was sure he had covered himself with his blanket. But it pulls, forces him to—

**Crack**

He open his eyes. Bright flashes of heat washed over him. He felt like a boiling potato inside a scorching furnace! His mind was screaming from the overwhelming pain, everything hurts. The lights burned his eyes, his throat parched, his lungs felt crush under his ribs and it was getting increasing harder to breath. Was he hyperventilating? He couldn’t tell because his mind was swirling like a vortex, tilting on its axis, making him want to vomit! Colors bending, mixing and blots of black encircling him like vultures. It was a bizarre tapestry. He wanted it gone. 

Too much sensations overwhelmed him to the point that he wanted to scream, puke and cry all at once!

If this was the afterlife, he rather crawl back to whatever hole he came from. That place was more of a haven than whatever this was. 

“—e’s awa—“

Sounds, he hears static of sounds. Loud, voices with different tones. One light, feminine and the other, a low baritone. The voices were pushing him down. Entrapping him in their claws. He was being oppressed! 

**Crack**

“He won’t—st—p—uggling!“

“Hold—down!”

“He needs—“

“—no, that’s—“ 

“Stop—“

“—struggling!” The lighter voice shouted in frustration. 

It was familiar, that tone, that voice!

He wakes.


	2. Family—From now on and forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of everything isn't always pleasant.

This is how his world began.

In flashes of white and shades of blue.

With a thundering scream he felt soft meat.

And trembling hands holding him securely down.

There were blurs of white, soft meat— tainted with _red, red, red!_

What appeared so appetizing, was in itself the most disgusting, vile thing.

Yet, after struggling so desperately, he finally made contact with the outside world!

However, the first thing he experienced, so powerful and raw—was undiluted pain. It _hurts!_

For he was a newly born infant, unknown to this world. His eyes unveil and the curtain reveals—oceanic blue. They pull him into their depths; ethereal eyes that were filled with sorrow and grief that for a moment he forgot about the pain. Somehow compared to those deep blues, his pain felt insignificant. He noticed the faint tears on the edge of her eyes. She must be hurt. He must had hurt her… He unconsciously reach out. His hand was trembling. However as soon as he made contact with her cheek, delicately tracing his thumb under the edge of her eyes…the trembling had stop. She was real. Yet, like the color of her eyes, she felt cold on his fingertips. Beautiful and cold. It lures him deeper like a moth to a flame, almost hauntingly so.

 _Who are you…?_ He wanted to ask. Was she a siren that would pull him under? A death god that would bring about his damnation? An angel that would comfort him in his last moment? An oasis that only existed as an illusion to calm his thirst? Or an image that would ease his mind before death embraces him?

He yearns to know.

Yet what he did next surprises him. His hand had shield her eyes, preventing him from seeing and what came out was a parched throat croaking, _"Please don't look at me…"_

He felt himself trembling.

_For everything about her was becoming faint. Of memories submerging and being shattered. Yet—he felt he had such a beautiful person in his life…be…fore…_

But like a dying fire, everything faded black.

**.........................................................................................**

Touka was absolutely stunned. Completely bewildered at Kaneki's actions. The stinging pain on her neck was now an afterthought when the half-ghoul reached out and beg for her not to look. Unknowingly she felt like it was an approaching warning. It was his way of saying farewell… The white-haired boy held an expression so full of pain and regret that her mind had gone blank. His eyes were daze and his voice so damage she didn't know how to react. He was so broken beyond repair…

"—Touka, Touka!"

She finally tunes reality in. She slowly lifts her head and saw an expression so unlike the stoic man she knew. His face held worry, deep regret and a clinging sadness.

"I'm alright." Her voice was weak and exhausted.

"You're not." His tone was grim.

The blue-haired girl set her gaze at the bandaged boy on the small bed. She release a soft sigh. There could be no reply when he speaks the truth, so all she did was remain silent. The minutes ticked and she was grateful he didn't push further.

The dim light cast a despairing shadow over the boy on the bed. His breathing was heavy, sounding so pained and probably having a burning fever filled with nightmares. All she could do was watch and wait to confirm the inevitable. She could only imagine what torture he had to suffer through. It was a clear indication from his injuries to the damages dealt to his eyes—to his brain! _He might never be the same…_

Kaneki was lucky—it was a miracle she had found his pale white hair beckoning beneath all those corpses. He was practically buried under endless bodies of comrades—left to rot deep within the dead. Touka had managed to convince Mr.Yomo to bring him with them, to hide him—to save him. She couldn't abandon a boy so torment and alone. She couldn't forsake someone she felt so responsible for. Somehow, the naïve boy had worm his way into her heart…and crush it so many times she had lost count. She couldn't leave him now… He became special to her.

"You should rest. I'll keep watch while you clean yourself up."

She wanted to refuse, she could still go on. Yet, the older man gave no room for argument. His expression had too much of an impact. She knew he had given into her whims. She knew the older man was kind, maybe too kind for his own good that she had taken advantage of it. Because this was how the two of them found themselves hidden away like stowaways trying to keep a broken boy from dying.

She nodded and left for the dinky, murky washroom. She turn on the light. The small light bulb overhead was dim, a soft glow cast over her form. To say she looks horrible was an understatement. No wonder she had Mr.Yomo so worry about her. Her complexion was paler than a ghost! She had dark circles under her eyes and lips dried and cracked. She looked sad and drained; an empty shell roaming through life. She was tired. So very tired…

It has been more than a week since Anteiku had fallen, more than six days since Kaneki has been in a feverish coma, and more than three days since she had gotten any sleep. It was like a countdown until her sanity escapes and insanity takes over. Everything seemed so hopeless, pointless and vexing.

Anteiku was gone, she ran from the only place she considered a home, a place she felt a sense of belonging… The people she cared about…she had forsaken… In the end, she could do nothing…

Touka reached for the bleeding wound on her neck. It was vicious like a beast's rampage. A salvage looking bite that had torn itself into her skin, reaching to her very bone. Maybe she had deserve such an ugly mark. It was like an equivalent exchange for what she had done to him… It must be her punishment. At least it brought her peace of mind.

The blue-haired girl touched the wound in a trance-like state. Her hazy mind, irrational and tired felt the need to dig into her wound. The bleeding mark on her neck was like an unrevealed secret to her naked eyes. Her chaotic mind might calm because perhaps the answers lies here… The answers to everything that had happened. Because at this point things are crumbling faster than she could hold!

She reached deeper into the bleeding wound. Blood was staining her hands and clothes. Her expression held determination. Maybe if she dig a little deeper—but all that had brought was an unrelenting pain. She could only sigh at her stupidity before cleansing her wound as best as she could. At least Kaneki Ken was alive. That in itself was a miracle. She has managed to save a boy who tragically had ended up in this god forsaken world of ghouls! It was the only thing that kept her going. Kept her sane. She couldn't abandon him… Especially now that she had crease his escape and pulled him right back to this painful world, which has inflicted him with so many scars...

When he wakes, she wonders how she was going to explain everything that had happened. How would he take everything in? He would be undoubtedly torture with even more pain than he had to already endure. Would he be able to hold? He was already fragile enough, everything was bearing down on him, the burdens he bare, the pain he sustained…his dam would become flooded and she fears he would truly bre—no. _No, no, no!_

This was her responsibility. Her fault since she wanted him to live.

Because in the end, she was selfish and she didn't want to be left alone.

Touka splash her face with freezing water and pray for the best. This time he won't leave.

She won't let him go.

**.........................................................................................**

When she had finished bandaging her wound, she directly went into the small bedroom. The lamp light cast eerie shadows on the flaky painted walls, an ugly yellow that irritated her eyes. The dust, the moldy smell of the room mixed with the iron smell of blood and antiseptic made her nose itch and mind whirling. It was a nauseous type of scent. The man who was sitting on her previous stool now stare at her, clearly asking why she came back.

She put on her best smile and sat on the bed beside the sleeping form of her victim. The naïve boy that had innocently fallen in love with the Binge Eater was a tragedy in itself. Because even though he wasn't eaten, died under those beams, Touka would have prefer he had. That could have ended his misery. For in the end, Kaneki Ken had been consumed by the tragedies of the world. A worse fate than death. She smile sadly at his form, his hair ungodly white. It was clear she was one of those tragedies that the world bestow on him. For she was many times worse than Kamishiro Rize…because Kirishima Touka knew he was better off dead, but recklessly she still dragged him back to this miserable world. It was obvious how painful it was for him to continue existing in such a world… Touka closed her eyes. She had made her choice, she would have to live with it.

For she was the worst in his long lines of tragedies, and he will soon notice it… Yet, she did not regret her decision. She never once regretted her choice. She would have done it again, and again if she was presented with the same circumstances. Her tears had long since dried.

She couldn't recall when it had happened. She just recently found out she couldn't cry anymore. The first time she cried was the day her mother died. She couldn't remember her mother, but she could recall her father's tears, so she cried. The next time she cried, she cried the hardest. The day she realized her father would never return… Yet, she held on hoping. Tears would make itself present when she dreams... Cried when her brother abandoned her, even when she clearly saw it coming… Cried when she couldn't save the naïve boy, how she noticed he wasn't naïve anymore as he left on his journey… A journey she could not stop, could not go on... And finally, she cried because she could not save Anteiku, cried for the people who died protecting it… All she did was cry. No wonder her tears had ran dry. It was a good thing she thought, she had enough of crying anyways.

And in all those situations when she had cried, she did nothing to prevent them from tearing her apart. Always depending on the people around her and losing them in the process. All could have been prevented if she saved _him_ that day. She could have stop his descend. Yet, she did nothing and now they were on the edge of a cliff. How he had reached his breaking point. How she had reached her limit. Yet, he was alive! Still breathing, still within her reach… She must take responsibility.

Everything was her fault. Everything that has happened to the boy now sleeping silently was her fault. She couldn't prevent Yamori from taking him, she couldn't stop him from leaving… She couldn't prevent him from becoming a ghoul… Everything began with an innocent crush…and he ended up being literally crushed. It was one tragedy after another…Yet she wonders, must it always end in tragedy? She still has that childish hope inside. If she believed in god, she would have prayed. Prayed for everyone's happiness. Prayed for a world without ghouls… Prayed to be human and live a normal life. If she could protect the people she loves, laugh with them and bring them happiness, she would delicate herself to god. But she learnt that god doesn't exist. Because if he did, why would he created ghouls?

Her mother was foolish for believing in god, her father was naïve to believe in his wife. They both ended dying believing in something that doesn't exist. Since God _doesn't need_ to exist. Because she will make sure she protects what she holds dear. It's her turn to give. It's her duty. It's her burden to bare. For happiness is attain through sacrifices and she would sacrifice anything to give Kaneki his life back.

"Thank you." _Thank you for not abandoning us…_

The man stayed silent. She knew what he had done for her sake. How he went against Mr. Yoshimura's last wish… How he risked everything to help her save him. She knew she had to take responsibility. This was all on her. Yet, she wasn't sure how… How can she repair, save, and maintain anything anymore… Everything was crumbling beneath her feet and the only thing keeping her afloat was the person suffering on the bed.

She then hears the man standing up, heading over to the old wooden closet and taking out a sleek, black duffle bag. She heard the zipper unzipped and low rustling. She was too tired to satisfy her curiosity. She really don't know how to thank the man… Truly express how grateful she was. She decided to take her mind off on how she could repay her debts to the older man. Instead Touka directed her attention to the sleeping boy by her side. She place a cold towel on his forehead and soaked the previous one in the bucket of ice water. His expression ease a little. She smile at how the smallest of action could bring him such relief. She didn't want much, truly just wanted him to live.

A looming shadow covered her form caught her attention. Mr.Yomo was now standing in front of her. In his outstretch hand lies three small, red booklets. She knew what they were. Knew what it signifies too well.

"I have arranged everything. _This will be you now._ " His voice was monotonous.

With shaking hands she reach out. She opened the top one from the sack of three. She softly trace the golden flower and read the engravings. It states, 'JAPAN PASSPORT'. With trembling hands she opens it. Her eyes grew wide, anger washed over her. _Was this a joke?_ How could this be? How cruel was this?

"…Kamishiro…Touka…" She reads. It was ironic. Although she was filled with rage, she didn't have the energy to release it. All that came out was a weak, hollow voice.

" _…Why?"_ That was all she could ushered.

"Open the rest," was his reply.

Touka was frustrated. Why does he never answer any of her questions?! He was always avoiding either her questions or her gratitude. She felt like a burden to him. Maybe she was…

Yet, Touka felt she owes him this much. So she did as told. She slowly, hesitantly open the second red booklet.

'KAMISHIRO RENJI' it reads. She was shocked. Then she quickly scan through the last one.

"Kamishiro… Izare…"

There inside the passport was a boy closely resembling the white-haired person on the bed. The boy in the picture had bluish hair, but what stood out most was his bright shining eyes. Eyes filled with innocence and youth. The exact opposite of the sleeping person beside her. And oddly she ponders, what if tragedy had never followed Kaneki, would he still retain some of this person's boyish charms…?

"Touka, **we will become a family.** " A baritone voice announce.

A family… it was so foreign to her. Because all the family she have, had all abandon her. In a sense it was a logical decision because it allows them to live together, to hide from the public and the encroaching eyes of the doves. They were the scattered remains of Anteiku after all…

Touka looks up at her new brother. She was always the oldest in her family. Yet in this new one, although it was all pretence, she was now the youngest… How strange… She lets out a grin. Strangely, it was amusing.

With a weak smile she replied, _"The Kamishiros?"_ A name that's like a curse, since all who possess the name, never seemed to attain happiness. They all either vanish or die. 

The man in front confirmed with a nod. There was determination in this eyes. A resolution in his stance, because in front of her was a man with purpose.

"I promised Mr. Yoshimura I would keep you safe." His eyes then glance at the boy on the bed.

 **"I'll keep you both safe."** He said it with such resolve she couldn't deny that for a moment, she truly felt safe. Like she really does have an older brother to protect her, like she really was home. She could easily pass all her burdens to this man and he would silently bare it all. He was too kind… She couldn't allow herself to take anymore advantage of such kindness. She would just be running…hiding…and regretting… She had enough of it. She was prepared.

Touka manage a smile, "Alright. Let's become one big happy family, brother." She was only deluding herself, but at that moment she could dream couldn't she? This was their beginning. She would protect her new family. Maybe this was a new start she desired. Because in the end, she needed to protect what she still have left to cherish. This time they will be happy. They will be happy. She chanted it like a prayer.

The man has a flicker of a smile on his lips, "It started with Kamishiro Rize, and it will never end with Kamishiro Rize."

That resonated with her. In her mind it translates to: _It started with tragedy, and it will never end with tragedy._ Maybe that was why he had chosen that name for their family… She lets out a sad smile while looking at the figure on the bed. Now all that's left is keeping him safe.

That in itself will be a challenge.

For Kaneki Ken was a living tragedy.

**.........................................................................................**

He sees red, a flowing river of vivid crimson. A vast sea of scarlet. His world was screaming red. He looks down at his feet. He was wrong. It wasn't a sea of red, it was a sea of spider lilies. They tangle themselves to his feet. Grounding him in place. He could not move…did not want to move. Wait… there was something white underneath all the vast red… It seems appetizing, soft flesh that could be bitten down to the bone. He reached down, with a wide open mouth, he took a bite. Everything was so consuming… He feared he might be losing himself in the process…with every bite, with every taste, with every swallow he felt something break. For everything was dye in velvet.

**Crack**

When he first came to, by that he meant actually coherent and in his right mind, he was obviously in immerse pain. The migraine lessen its hammering fists and the wounds on his body were healing faster than expected. He wasn't bleeding endlessly like he has hemophilia, so in a sense he was doing great. By great he meant alive.

Still pain lingers and clings to him like a damnation. It was an understatement that everything in his muscles to his very bones hurts. It was more like having his soul rip from his body literally, cut into neat pieces of meat and drench in sizzling oil to be cook and season. After the garnishing and display he was eaten, chew into smaller bits and swallow to be digested. Any form of repairing or stitching back his soul was laughable, delirious even. He wasn't sure he _is_ lucid. In other words, he felt like shit.

He was hungry.

Hungry.

 _The hunger was taking over!_

**Crack**

He can't withstand long silences. It drives him crazy.

He can't withstand empty, cold spaces. It drives him mad.

He can't withstand being unable to protect those he cherishes. He would rot out alive.

He's scare that one day he might eventually, truly become insane. He must protect the things he loves…even from himself. If this continues, he might break, utterly decay to something neither ghoul…nor human.

He knows.

 _He knows._

**He KNOWS!**

He is losing himself.

He is becoming a monster…a ferocious beast...

Before it's too late, before everything rot, before he harms anyone else… He must end it all.

He must end everything…

He must stop the corruption…

Everything will return to zero, before it's too late.

_White, white, white! He is dyed colorless and soon he will be blank._

**Crack**

When his world end, it went like this:

It didn't end with a loud bang like most would expect. _It went with a whimper._

**He was glad. It finally crumbled.**

**.........................................................................................**

He slowly opened his eyes. The sudden light blinded him. He groaned as he waits for his eyes to adjust to the vision. What awaited him was a dreary yellowish ceiling with cobwebs and black smudges. He lazily rise as the old mattress creak at his every movement. He felt a towel falling from his forehead and he instinctively rise his dominant hand catching it. He stare at the white cloth in a daze-like state, similar to daydreaming. When your mind floats and nothing seems to matter. He scan his surroundings. His mind unfocused and there were clogs in his brain, it prevented his mind from processing and making sense of anything. He was seeing, but nothing was processing. It all seemed surreal to him. There was a dust covered window that only shows brink walls, the glow of the sun from the small cracks in the ceiling and a sudden delicious smell that caught his nose.

What came second was the dulling realization that he was a blank canvas. To be more specific, he doesn't recall who he is. To be blunt, he might have amnesia. It broke him from his daze. However, he was rather calm. His attention was mostly on the coffee lingering in the air. It smells heavenly as he turn to the source. It was coming from outside the half opened door. The roasted beans of coffee in the morning was absolutely wonderful. He heard the pouring of the drink and someone approaching the room.

He ready himself.

What surprise him was the person. She seemed familiar. The sensation was on his fingertips. He knows her…or he should know her. He gauge her reaction. He wanted to know what she was to him, what he was to her. All he could make out was how she looked more surprise than him. There was a flood of relief that manifested itself on her features.

"Hey, took you long enough."

He continue to stare at her. His mind was like an iceberg. The rest was hidden underneath his subconsciousness. Still, he tries to reach a conclusion somewhere in the recess of his mind. It was on the tip of his tongue. Her voice, her eyes, her face, everything about her _screamed familiarity._ Yet he couldn't grasp that lingering sensation, that clinging familiarity. He was missing something...it was important! He was irritated. It like an itch he can't scratch. Felt like he was unable to turn the pages of his book. That means he couldn't finish the book. It was annoying, the feeling was bitter in his mouth.

"You must be thirsty. I'll get you some water."

She left and oddly he missed her presence. He wanted to tell her to stay. However, no sounds came out. His throat felt awfully dried like desert sands. His body was stiff like a wax doll. Odd how he felt so out of place even within his own body.

She came back moments later with a half filled glass of water.

"Here." She raise it up to his mouth. "Drink slowly." She demanded.

He did as told, his eyes never leaving her. Now that he had a closer look, the girl look exhausted. Her lips were pale, cracked and dried. There were heavy dark circles under her eyes and hair that lost its healthy glow. Her neck was wrapped in neat bandages. Yet, in the sunlight he still thought she was beautiful.

Before he could think, he had spoken.

_"Who are you?"_

He blink. Did he say that out loud? Was that his voice? It sounded ruff.

She stopped her movement and simply stare at him. He stare back. What came to mind was how pretty her eyes shine, even if it was dimming by the seconds.

"…You don't remember me?" The girl asked slowly. Eyes conflicting and unsure.

"Of course not. I don't remember anything. I don't even know myself." He stated calmly and monotonous.

He expected her to freak out. Or somewhere along those lines. He assumed that someone in her situation when hearing it would react either extremely worry or immediately calling a hospital. Yet, how she actually reacted was outside of his calculations.

"You…don't remember...?" She whispered more so to herself than directing it at him. He saw how she was internally debating before her expression resolve and with determine eyes stated, "I'm Touka, your sister."

Her smile was clearly forced. He noticed the sight pause and the stress of her tone. She was hiding something.

But all he did was blink. Too shock with her last statement. She was his… _sister…? Odd._

_"…Nice to meet you?"_ He answered unsure. He couldn't understand what was happening, or what she was concealing. However, one thing he felt sure on was the fact that this girl doesn't feel like a sister. Rather his instincts told him she was lying. But, why would she do that? It doesn't make any sense, unless he was reading it wrong and amnesia does this to a person.

She release a snicker. "Stupid, that's so like you."

There. There it is again, that sensation. Something about this situation wasn't right. Maybe it was the room? The seemingly peaceful atmosphere? Her presence? No...pain?

Before he could ask how odd she was. How strange she was behaving. How this situation seemed utterly abnormal, his stomach growl in that instant.

She quickly got up, realization in her eyes and left the room with a reassuring smile.

He watched her leave.

It was strange. His senses were keen and sensitive to everything. He could hear her in the kitchen preparing something as she open a package, hearing the cabinet squeaking and plates clanking against each other. There, that smell. It made his hunger heighten to an unbearable degree. It was better than the fresh, roasted caffeine. He was definitely hungry, yet what horrifies him was the fact that he was craving human flesh! He didn't want to tell her that… Maybe he was the weird one. Perhaps—

"Here." Her voice suddenly announce itself.

He looks at her, wondering when she had arrived. Then at the white plate on his lap.

There, on the center was a bleeding heart. A very human life sizes heart. Although he was suffering from amnesia, he could still recognize a human heart when he sees one. Either that, or the thing on the plate was very well-made. He wanted to ask if this was some kind of disgusting joke and what he had done to offend her. Her next word made things very clear she was serious.

**"Eat."**

He flinch and glance up at the blue eyes girl. Her face shows confusion, then concern and finally a frown firmly set itself on her lips.

He wanted to refuse whatever _this_ was. It wasn't funny. Yet, every fibre of his being crave for the disgusting thing on the plate. Now he was certain, there wasn't something wrong with the room or atmosphere... There was something _wrong_ with _them._

"You're not going to eat, are you?" Her voice was grim.

In all honesty, he was extremely famish and was eager to consume the thing on the white plate, however he couldn't bring himself to eat it. There was a sense of wrongness that held him back. To begin with, why would he find such a thing appetizing?!

"Here, I'll help you." As the girl said this she grab the bloody heart and slam it into his mouth. Although he was shocked, he was firm on his resolve and with strength he didn't know he possess, slap the heart away from her hand and _tried_ to spit out the rest of the horrifying thing that had gotten inside his mouth. In the end he managed, with immense effort. This was wrong, this situation, her, _him._ This was all very wrong!

The yellowish wall now have a big blot of red and the blanket now stain in scarlet. The atmosphere of the room became eerily silent. The tension in the air could be cut with a butter knife. He wasn't sure if he truly was awake. Everything in the room froze to a standstill. Then her sudden her voice broke the creeping chill enveloping the small apartment building.

"What the hell did you do that for?!" She shouted in outrage.

He was broken from his daze state. Not from what had happened, but from the girl's clear contrast of personality to her outwards appearance. She wasn't as soft or delicate as he initially assumed. Strangely he thought it was normal, as if she was supposed to be like this. However, this was no time to immerse in such thoughts!

"I—" He started.

His mouth firmly set into a frown. _**"How can I eat that?!"**_ He himself raise his voice. He was done with whatever game she was playing. Reality has finally settle into the bizarreness of his situation. The dull atmosphere was washed away to be flooded with abnormality.

_Was she really even his sister?_

She jumped on top of him. Strangling him down.

 _"What is that supposed to mean?"_ Her eyes—it wasn't the narrowing of her eyes which became slits that caught his attention. It was the sudden inky black that enveloped itself onto her sclera. Her once blue eyes enclosed itself into a fury vermillion. Her eyes now glowed uncannily red.

He was speechless. Not scare, but speechless. He knew what she was. Clearly, knew what she was. He has lost his memories, not his logic of the world. Even though logic never seems to explain why such creatures existed. How could—

 **"What's going on here?"** A low baritone intruded.

He and the girl both turned.

The man in front of the door was tall, well-built and possesses an air of command. He was stoic and cool. The man's silver hair gleam menacing in the room's dimming light and his eyes speaks of cold demand.

"…Brother." The girl spoke.

"What are you doing Touka?" The man repeated.

"Nothing… Just getting him to eat."

The man then stare directly at him. He tried to keep his grounds. He didn't want to admit it, and didn't know how he knew, but the stranger in front was strong, dangerous and he felt his body tensing up due to the fear crawling in. The man was radiating a presence of authority. Somehow he didn't like how caged he felt.

"You shouldn't waste food." The man simply stated.

 _"I can't eat that."_ He said in disgust.

"Why not?" The girl still above him demanded.

He stare up at her then glance at the man in front of the door way.

The man remain still and silent, awaiting his answer.

_"Because that heart is human."_

Silence engulf them.

Then a bitter laugher rang clearly within the narrow space of the room.

He stare at the girl on top of him. Truly wondering if his situation was becoming more demented, that everyone in this room was either insane or losing it, or that he was the odd one out. At this point he truly doesn't know, couldn't differentiate reality from hallucinations. Because from her eyes, to his food and the clear dangerous aura of the tall man…

**He is—**

How she had call that stoic man brother, how she was his sister, that he, _himself was family_ —then that must mean—

**He must be—**

"Haven't you figure it out yet…you idiot?" She had stop laughing as she stare at him in absolute sorrow and guilt. A sad smile present on her fragile features. Her voice weak and tone lifeless. It was painfully clear.

**—a ghoul…**

_"We're the Kamishiros, a family of ghouls."_ She ushered so softly, so quietly that he was sure to a human, they could never have heard it.

He closed his eyes.

"Welcome home, Kamishiro Izare."

Truly, _for_ he was a newly born infant, that these people, this isolated room, was the start to his world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy the long chapter!
> 
> Author's note: The reason why I didn't name Kaneki as Haise is because in this story he'll be a little different than Haise in TG re:. I don't want their character to mash and readers saying Haise is not-in-character. This is an AU that places Kaneki in a different situation. Therefore, how his character develops will depend on the events of the story. Look forward to it!
> 
> Comments are appreciated!


	3. Middle—It's you, that's why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To establish oneself, one must discover oneself. In Izare's case, he was doom from the start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grammatical corrections were made, thanks to the amazing 'codename00guest'!

"Eat, you fool!"

This started over dinner.

 _Every_ dinner for the last week to be exact.

He looked at the plate to his right. A nicely garnished turkey sandwich. He look to his left. A plate of a raw, very red, human liver. Instead he decided to pick up the freshly brewed coffee mug in the middle. He made sure to drink it slowly, savouring the pleasant taste and pleasing smell. He knew his so-called _sister_ was reaching her boiling point seeing as he was purposely taking his sweet time. He gently placed the black mug down and directed a lovely smile her way.

He then mouthed a 'no way'.

She slammed the table so hard that it send a gush of wind his way. The poor table wobbled as the plates and silverware vibrate. The food swayed as he sat perfectly relax, thankfully managing to save the rest of his coffee before everything started tumbling down like dominos. This whole situation described exactly that—a domino effect. The plight before the mayhem was the perfect description to his current circumstances. He sigh gazing at the mess below. Now they definitely needed a sturdier table.

"Stop being so stubborn. You haven't eaten anything for a week! Coffee isn't going to sustain you! Before you do something extremely stupid due to the hunger and causing trouble for brother Renji, eat your freaking food! He has enough to deal with—"

 _He had enough too._ Somehow at her mention of their so-called older brother, his mood instantly soured—with it came irritation. For the last seven days since he woken up with amnesia, he became increasingly observant. It made him feel unease. Especially since it's obvious their so-called little sister always tries to please their elder brother. He was particularly annoyed at how she would never refuse anything the stoic man asked of her. She was timid and polite to the extent of behaving angelic around the older man. However, it was the complete opposite with him. Touka was always nagging at him not to cause trouble for their brother, screaming at him to eat, and forcing him to do things he doesn't like. Why can't she comply with what _he_ wants? Why does she treat him like a child?! He can take care of himself, he could solve his own problems! She should mind her own business!

"—or at least practice eating human food so you don't get easily discovered!" He tunes her rambling in only because his instincts suddenly flare. The air surrounding her was increasing with intensity.

 _"Or do I need to feed you?"_ She practically grind the words through her teeth as her eyes became predatory. The inky black sclera and the glowing red of her eyes were pinning him down. It was noticeable that her fists were knuckled white and teeth tightly clenched, making it obvious that she was prepared to force it into him. They have gone through this dozen of times, and each time he struggled with all his might. _He will not yield, no matter what._

Izare realizes his actions were unbefitting of a ghoul. It was on the level of abnormality, it was practically unheard of since he wouldn't eat what was basically wrapped nicely for him to have. He was a ghoul, he knows that, but he couldn't bring himself to eat it!

He tried, hell he tried until he vomit and cried himself to sleep! The hunger keeps him up every waking seconds—and _that smell!_ That clinging, tempting smell drives him crazy! It was everywhere! He might truly go insane from this hunger. It was painful, unbearable and torturous to resist! He's limiting himself. This made him suffer, yet he couldn't bring himself to eat what smelled so delicious, looked so appetizing and probably tasted heavenly. Was he a masochist? Seriously at this point he can't deny it. However, even when he was at his breaking point—he doesn't want to give into the hunger! If he did, it's the same as dying. He just knows that something important would be lost. Something that keeps him… _sane?_ It was ironic. The hunger would destroy his sanity anyways if he doesn't consume human flesh. Either option would have him going crazy.

He needed to find another alternative soon...or what she feared will come true.

Touka, although she puts on a strong front, was scared. She was afraid of being discovered. He doesn't blame her. She has more to lose than him. The reality was clear. He held her current life in his hands, he was the source of her anxieties. However, what she doesn't know, what he doesn't allow anyone to know...more than his hunger, more than his past— **she was the root of his fear, his identity and his insanity.** It's true that they have been playing house for seven days. And it was a fact that he tries to act the role he was given. But in all honesty, his _family_ are mere strangers to him. He doesn't completely trust them.

It was obvious his family was hiding something. He of course was clueless to what was going on. Three days ago, they had quickly packed and quietly moved to another ward. He was only told that they were moving to a bigger place. When he asked her why they were leaving or how he had lost his memories she stare at him in utter remorse before informing him that he had fought a dove to protect the family. It was during his fight where he sustained damages to his brain, resulting in his lost memories. Their conversation ended when she summarized that they needed to lay low while he will need to wear a disguise whenever he's outside. If he has to wear a disguise, it was clear the CCG knows his appearance and probably his name. It wasn't hard connecting the dots that _Izare_ wasn't what he was called in the past... And there were other important details that were omitted. But honestly, he doesn't want to remember. At this point there was no use wasting time on trying to rediscover who he was, he rather focus on who he is. He will live as Kamishiro Izare.

"Touka, I'll eat."

The girl in front of him blink. Obvious confusion was placed on her features before his words clicked and her mind caught up.

"Then eat."

"I will."

"When?"

"Later." If he could find something that can satiate this hunger instead of human flesh... He was basically only a week old, which in his defense allowed him to be stubborn.

Her eyes narrowed. He knew he was just prolonging the inevitable. He needed a stronger distraction.

"Where is Yomo?"

"That's _big brother_ to you."

The white-haired male held a calm composure, however internally he wanted to laugh. Kamishiro Izare is not a person who would use such an embarrassing label. After all, he was trying to establish an identity; he shall remake himself. But mostly, he wasn't at ease with the older man. Yomo Renji was a man who is never around for him to get used to. The man was a walking ghost. He would appear spontaneously, then quietly disappear just as suddenly. For all Izare knew, the only family he has is his violent sister.

"Where is Renji?"

She sighed as she harshly sat down across from him. The table, plates and silverware broken and scattered vibrate at her movement. The food still lying on the floor sat between them.

"You think I'll be fooled into your little scheme again? It won't work this time!"

"And what am I scheming?" He grin between the rims of the mug as he sip his warm coffee. The coffee at least keeps his hunger at bay...

"You're changing the topic for one. Delaying the inevitable for two and clearly trying to make me forget why I'm angry at you! You seriously can't expect this to go on any longer. You need to eat Kane—"

She had stop when she caught her mistake. It was obvious that she knew he caught it too. That wasn't his name. She was about to call him something other than his name. He wanted to ask—somehow he knew it was a name…that name must be— But what came to him second was that he doesn't want her to refer to him by _that name._ He was Izare. He wants her to call him Izare. Yet, his mouth didn't listen to him. He stayed frozen. Every fibre in his body told him to stop. That name made his head pound. It causes unnecessary stress. It made him associate it with pain. He didn't like it.

He heard a sigh and look at the girl across. Her eyes were cast downwards, her body slump. She was obviously troubled. Because he also noticed how sometimes she would have this pronounce sadness in her, which he rather would avoid. He _doesn't_ want to comprehend it. For she only shows it when she grief for his past-self. He wasn't that person. He doesn't want to become that person. This was why he didn't want his memories back. Because Izare has his own feelings he wants to hold onto. He knows these feelings are his, and his alone.

And he also knows that Touka is a person who is very much like an open book. He could read her easily, even when she assumed he wasn't looking. So even if he doesn't want to understand what she was feeling... what she was thinking... _he knew._ For Touka wanted _that_ person back. She doesn't need Kamishiro Izare. Yet, Kamishiro Izare needed her. He doesn't want to disappear...

They both sat still inside the small apartment. There was only the abnormally loud sound of the clock as the air within was so thick one could stab it with a fork. A door was heard opening. Then distinctly closing with a quick click of the lock.

It seems tonight the ghost makes an appearance. Their esteemed elder brother was home. From what he knew since Yomo Renji was of little words, was that he was busy starting up a café. Izare wanted to roll his eyes. In appearance it was a source of income for the family, but in reality it was for the dark and sinister minds to plot; the intentions, although pure, was in humans' standards extremely illegal. Human morals isn't really his calling seeing as his family needed it to survive. After all, an innocent café is the perfect place to do ghoul related business without anyone suspecting. It was all under the rug and probably where his forgotten dinner originates.

He's not a meddler. Whatever Renji spends his time on, Izare doesn't really bother to care. However, if it endangers Touka, then it will be his business. He admits he gets increasingly annoy whenever the girl mingle in his affairs, but she was the first familiar thing he knows in a world he doesn't remember. To him, she was the only thing he has that was a home. And without understanding when all this came about…there was always this strong desire to protect her. Perhaps, this was the only thing that closely resemble what an older brother _should_ feel for their little sister. Because the blue eyes girl was many things to him…but not a sister. This was worse than his inability to eat humans. For he fear if it grows more fierce than his hunger, he might not be able to maintain his image as a brother...as her family…

 **NO!** This was strange... He was acting weird. He's not thinking straight, clearly it's because of the hunger!

The cause of his amnesia must be affecting him. He has no memories and therefore, his family felt like strangers... Once he has a stable sense of self, surely all of this would go away. This was only his dependency on his sister since she was always there when he wakes and the last one he sees when he sleeps. That must be it…

For he was her brother—that these feelings are nonsense.

Yet, it was eating at him from the inside out.

He fear, he might already be crazy...

 **Click.**

The gray eyes ghoul tune back to reality hearing his brother's approaching footsteps. It only took the tall man a few steps to reach the kitchen. His brother only glance at the small broken table, the shattered plates, the splattered liver and a ghoul-eyed girl sulking. To the man it might be a minor detail compared to the importance of making his way to the bedroom seeing the person didn't even faze, stopped or blink. This was what frustrated Izare. The man doesn't seemed to care about anything other than his ghoul infested café. He was always stoic and silent. Izare doesn't understand the concept of family, but he knows the man doesn't act anywhere near it.

Yomo Renji currently provided the rundown apartment they were residing. It has a shared bathroom, a space containing both the kitchen and living room and two bedrooms. Touka has her own while he and Renji shares a room. Most of the time Renji doesn't even come home, so luckily it was all his. This was the only thing the man display that was normal for a family.

But the bigger question was, why was the man back today?

Izare heard rustling of clothes before seeing Touka grabbing her jacket and leaving out the front door. Thankfully she haven't suffocate him this time. He didn't even want to recall last night's struggle when she had left bright angry finger marks still bruising his neck. Well, in a sense today's dinner went better than expected. He got away without eating didn't he? Their brother was home. And his sister remain her usual moody self.

To say this family is awkward and strange was an understatement.

It's best he doesn't get too involve. He would like to maintain the status quo with his siblings. It's best this way.

Before he really destroy this family.

**................................................................................................................................................................................**

He has a dream.

It always repeat itself. The sound of the door squeaking, the wind whistling, the floorboards creaking… The wooden door was never entirely close, it allows the dim light from outside to sneak inside the darkness of his bedroom. The distant whispers tickling his ears. The walls were surprisingly thin. The dream felt real.

But it was a dream nonetheless…

Because he was asleep. He felt numb. Everything was draining him. With no memories and the fatigue exhausting him, he was extremely tired. Laying straight on the bed, he could feel the blanket covering his body and the sounds of his soft rhythmic breathing. Darkness mixed with an air of melancholy surrounds him. His eyelids heavy, they wouldn't open even if he wanted them to. He must be deeply asleep. Yet, the voices taunt him. The dream, haunting.

That familiar voice always tries to pull him to a conscious state.

"Please… Let me be selfish for the last time—" He couldn't hear the rest. The voice sounded weak…fragile. It was fading in the distant, covered by the sounds of wind.

"You know what you're asking… Are you sure this is alright?"

"Yes. It's better this way… It's better for him…"

He hears fragments through the creaking of footsteps. Shattered puzzle pieces floated above his head. He was trying to make sense of it, yet his mind wouldn't focus. He felt himself submerging under deep waters. The sounds became hazy.

"...not my decision to make—there are consequences. Burdens—might never be forgiven… —e deserves to know."

"I know... But as long as he could gain some form of happiness—worth it."

"This will be the last time."

"—Thank…you…"

"It's not me you should thank."

"Yet, it was you that saved us. Thank you. You won't regret this decision."

The wind hollered, the window frame shuttered, but all he heard was _that voice_. It was so filled with sorrow, grief and regret. It calls him. It needed him. He wanted to embrace that fragile voice, he could feel the person's loneliness and he yearns to remember them.

But in the end, it was a dream. A dream he has no control over and a dream that left him with many regrets. He felt himself curling into a ball. Making himself as small as possible and blocking everything out. He wished to be at peace. Let him at least find it in the silence.

**................................................................................................................................................................................**

He blinks. Again and again. Maybe he was tired, too exhausted that he was seeing things.

He stare at his reflection.

He pinch himself. There was pain. He wasn't dreaming.

Weird.

He has one red eye.

Weird.

_He was weird._

**................................................................................................................................................................................**

Dreary, dull and desolated.

Gray eyes stare vacantly outside the dust covered window in the living room corner. Eyes fixed on the rusted, broken down buildings outside. There were no greenery, trees or any sort of plant life anywhere near. Instead what roamed the streets below was littered with molding abandon shops filled with cobwebs, rats, the homeless, addicts and deviants. What lies above was a cloudy sky with flocks of black crows.

The notorious area where they reside was what people called the ghetto of the 5th ward. A dangerous place not regulated by police protection, where people disappear on a regular basis, but a paradise for criminals to run rampage. It was the perfect hiding place. And also an abundant food source for ghouls. Basically, it was a hunting ground for ghouls to chase the parasites of society.

This is what he sees since they moved. One gloomy neighborhood to another equally gloomy neighborhood. It seemed their last residence was too close to the craziness of the 20th ward. Yet, all of it felt distant and unrelated to him. He heard that many ghouls and doves died that night. His family might have gotten unnecessarily involved, but he doesn't recall. Whenever he tries to remember, his mind would be flooded with pain. So he doesn't bother now.

What consumes his mind was the counting of seconds, minutes and hours. It was numbers, numbers and more numbers to keep him company. For the devouring silence was unbearable. Has it been another week now? Odd it feels longer. He really can't tell time apart. Everything remains unchanging. _Like his hunger. Like those bothersome feelings..._

He would rather think about eating.

After all, he was a starved wolf locked inside a cage. Anyone would go mad.

But being alone was the most unbearable. All that accompanied him was his consuming thoughts, hunger and the need to eat. He really doesn't have much to do, except to remain in the apartment and to not cause a disturbance. He was completely treated like a child. It was rather annoying.

It adds to his dilemma. He can't discover any alternatives for his hunger. Perhaps he might go crazy and die. He chuckled. He might have already lost his sanity long ago. 

Odd. He doesn't hear the annoying sounds of the crows today. The clock however, was unusually loud.

He looks at it. 5 P.M. it says on the pale wall of the room. How stupid. She won't be home for another two hours. Today she was probably busy helping with the café. Maybe she was even eager to stay for an extra hour helping with the clean-up. In which case, again forgetting about him and how bored he was being alone at home. It was insufferable how he was made to stay indoors till he was able to act as a human—he wasn't even human! Why he was even following these stupid rules was beyond him. He only complied because she was so insistence on it.

Everything seemed so tiring waking up to this world. His life basically revolved around the nagging blue-haired girl and the interior of the apartment. His only connection to the outside world was his view from the window. The view however, was nothing to take comfort in. It was dull and gray. Only when the sky was clear and blue was when he finds it fascinating enough to spike his curiosity. Other than that, it bores him.

He has enough of the dreary sky and decides to occupy himself on practicing to consume what the human called food before she gets back. The first time she made him taste such an abomination, he couldn't help but vomit. The horrible taste lasted for days! Personally, he gets nauseous just looking at it, then knowing that he has to put the disgusting thing in his mouth revolt him more. However, he could now pretend to consume those sandwiches. He'd show her how much he'd improved to the point that she would wonder if the sandwiches were delicious! Maybe she won't scowl as much and actually smile.

After a few tries he walks to the kitchen cabinets deciding to rinse the horrible aftertaste with some coffee. He opened one of the left cupboards, reached for his black mug then stride to the coffee maker.

He blinks. They ran out of coffee beans. The last batch of brew coffee, was consumed an hour ago…

His stomach growl.

He sigh.

This was a good enough reason to venture out.

It's her fault for not replenishing the coffee…for not being home.

**................................................................................................................................................................................**

He was slammed against the wall, he guess it was supposed to hurt. Now he was surrounded by a human meat blockade. He assumed this was supposed to intimdate him as two tall, bulky guys stand by his side, while the leader of the group sneer in front. However to a starving ghoul such as himself, all this did was intensifies his hunger. It was the worst thing a flock of humans could do. It was like a gift from god. Meat, food, flesh was all very close and tempting! What an amazing meal set! The food comes to him and he gets to eat, not one, but four all in one gulp!

"Hey nerd. Were you using your virgin eyes to check out my girl? HUH?!" The group's leader was jabbing their index finger on his chest. He guess this was supposed to hurt and frighten him. It was one of those situations he read about in books, those bullying scenarios. If he was any other fragile human in one of those novels—lacking a sense of combat and was meek, he might just be terrified by these trashes of society.

But they really should choose their prey wisely. Really, why of all things pick a starving ghoul?

Izare never loses his composure, or he acts like he doesn't. He was also used to dealing with Touka of all people. So he finds himself a rather rational individual. Yet, he finds it increasingly hard to let these bullies go. One, the guy was plainly stereotyping him as a nerd just because he was wearing glasses. The lens were obviously fake if one looks closely enough. Apparently, the guy was blind to that as well. Secondly, that was like generalizing that more than half of Earth's population were nerds. Some wearing glasses, mind you, aren't as intellectually gifted. Thirdly, did he mention that this person was really pissing him off? Seriously, he wasn't only staring at the girl. He would check anyone out at this point. Meat proportion, amount of fat, muscle averages... It doesn't really matter! He wasn't a picky eater! _GOD, he was hungry._ So hungry. Hungry. Hungry. **Hungry!**

There were four. Right here, right now... **JUST one bite!**

"HEY! Ya listening stupid nerd!"

"OMG! Look at how scare the guy is! He's practically trembling! Kyahahahahaha!"

"Hey I wanna take pictures when he cry and piss his pants!"

"You grinding your teeth little man?! HAHAHA!"

**HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!**

God, these people are annoying. Why the hell was he holding himself back for these pieces of trash?! WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE CARE IF ONE OR TWO DISAPPEAR? That's right. He'll do society a favour. He'll clean up the filth. He's contributing…isn't he? _As a ghoul—_

"Officer over here! Officer! Officer!" A girl's voice rang in the devouring laughers. Or maybe he was hallucinating due to the cracking pain pounding in his mind.

"SHIT! The cops are coming!"

"What ya all waiting for?! Run for it!"

"Every man for himself!"

The group of people disperse like a popping balloon.

That brought him back to his senses. If they had stayed a second longer, he would probably gutted them by now. The girl was smart, he could hear. There was no police officers anywhere in the area. That was why he venture to this area in the first place. A location for his thoughts to wander, a place where he doesn't feel trap like a boxed rat.

"Umm…Are you alright?" A soft voice asked worriedly. She was a few meters away and approaching fast.

Shit, he still haven't gotten his left eye under control.

"Here." She handed him a handkerchief. He couldn't make out the face of the girl due to the darkness of the alleyway and the evening sky. He thankfully had covered his left eye, being grateful for the shadows that shroud what he truly was.

"Thanks…You _saved_ me." He meant it in ways she couldn't imagine. She did save him from almost destroying his creed. So he accepted her handkerchief gratefully, using it to cover his nose. Her smell was too strong. It was a sweet nectar to his canine fangs.

"Anyone in my position would help." He guessed the girl was giving him a reassuring smile. All he could think of was eating her.

He felt weak, nauseous even. It has been exactly fourteen days since he'd eaten. Caffeine wasn't cutting it anymore. He thought he could last longer. Maybe it wasn't a smart idea to leave that cramped apartment to roam the streets of Tokyo. Yet, his curiosity took over. It was supposed to be a quick trip to the café. He wanted to show her that he could manage by himself. That he wasn't a child that should be locked up. But once he gotten to the busy streets of the 5th ward everything started smelling scrumptious. Everything was so different from the area he was living in. Flesh, guts, meat was everywhere! It was dazzling! All the lights, people, colors and sounds. Everything was brimming with life; a world he doesn't know, a place he couldn't see through the fog of the window.

Izare clench his eyes and tightly grip the lavender handkerchief to his nose. He lean harshly on the brick wall for support. He was breathing heavily to the point that his so called savior became more worried.

"Are you truly alright? Maybe we should stop at a hospital?"

She has to leave. Her smell was so tempting, so sweet… His savior might become his first meal…

"I'm alright. You should go."

"But—"

 **"Go!"**

His voice was frightening, almost reaching a pitch of being animalistic. She clearly flinch and with hesitating steps, turned to walk quickly away.

He was hungry… So hungry…Help… _He needed help!_

Someone save him…

He wanted to be save. Save from his hunger, from thinking, feeling…simply waking up and living this life, from everything!

He wants to be at peace… Why must he live this way…? Why does he have to love _her…?_ Why did he lose his memories…? Why wasn't he a ghoul!? This would have been so much easier if he was...

He never wanted to wake to this. He never wanted any of this. If he had known, he would rather remain blissfully asleep.

Maybe this time, he could…

_**Flashback** _

When he ask her if he really does have one red eye. Because he was hoping he was hallucinating. Her mouth had close as she sat still. It was a clear indication that he wasn't delirious. She saw it too. He place his palm on the table. His nails were black, unnatural. He look at his reflection again, seeing his hair. It wasn't his natural color, it looks dead, unlike his brother's—unlike his sister's. Did they even look alike? He stare at her for an explanation. She flinch. Then her features turned firm as she composed herself.

"You…became half-human." She whispered.

He stare at her, blinking incredulously. From his semantic memory, he doesn't recall how a ghoul could become half-human... He has amnesia, that doesn't mean he's stupid.

"You got into an accident. Human organs were transplanted into you."

"… _How?"_ It was impossible for knives to tear into his harden skin.

Her lips trembled, yet her voice was monotonous, "Because of your accident, you became an experimental subject to a man known as Kanou Akihiro. He was the doctor that transplanted the organs into you. A man that was an expert in human and ghoul." Her face was expressionless. It sounds scripted, revise numerous times. She must have had a hard time planning what to say.

He tried to remain calm, but anger was creeping in.

 _"An experiment…?"_ His voice sounds hollow with disbelief.

She slowly nodded in confirmation.

 _"You let such a man experiment on me? Are you insane?!"_ Now his tone became vicious.

She remained quiet. Her eyes were downcast.

 **"ANSWER ME!"** He screamed at her. The anger has flooded his mind. All rational thoughts vanished.

The sounds of crows flapping their wings behind him resound through the open window. The evening lights cast an eerily glow inside the narrow room. The clock continues its advancement. Nothing was stopping, everything was moving out of sync. He felt himself tilting, everything was collapsing—swirling faster than he could balance. He can't stop what has come to pass. He can't stop time.

Yet, what further fume his anger was not being able to understand why he was furious. Why he felt betrayed. Was it because she didn't stop that doctor from performing such a surgery on him—or was it the fact that she didn't save him…? _Why wasn't she there with him?_

"I—"

"I'm glad _we_ met."

"What?" His irrationality has long taken over to the extend he couldn't fully understand the meaning behind her words.

"You're glad he was my doctor?" He hissed exasperatedly. The blue-haired girl only sat rigid.

His accusing gray eyes were pinning her down for an explanation. She remain still. He stood up ready to leave. He had enough. He must be crazy for trusting a complete stranger. They only known each other for two days after all. He noticed how she was trembling. He held a stoic demeanor. She wasn't getting any pity out of him. Why would he forgive such a family who would willingly hand him over to be an experimental subject? Tears would not stop him from leaving. He didn't need her, or his past. But unexpectedly she glare up at him with clear, determined blue eyes.

"Yes. I'm glad he was your doctor. I'm grateful he performed that experiment on you! _You're alive aren't you?"_ Now it was her turn to stand up and shout.

He was speechless and gawking when he felt a fist landed on his left cheek. He crashed to the floor hard. Now he was the one staring up at her in complete shock.

**"I rather have you alive than dead!"**

She jumped on him landing another blow. He remained still because although her hair curtain her eyes, he felt droplets of tears falling down to touch his bruising cheeks. He couldn't take his eyes off her. Everything in that moment made him feel a lingering sense of familiarity. Like they have been here before. It made him realize that he had forgotten something important. He couldn't help, but smile.

"And you know what? If it would save your life, I would have let that man do the exact same thing again."

He continues to stare at her as she weakly pounds his chest.

_"You think I wanted any of this…?"_

He reach up to touch her cheek. She flinch but didn't move away. This further encourage him to wipe her tears. Even with her reddening, puffy eyes, a running nose and staining flush cheeks, the girl above him still looked adorable.

"Stop it. I can wipe the dust from my own eyes." With that she stood up. He slowly did as well.

There was silence between them. The small apartment remain unnervingly quiet. It was early August making the weather frustratingly hot. There was no air conditioner anywhere in the worn down building. From the clock it was noon. They were having lunch, before this there was a heated debate on his eating habits, then the revelation he saw on the glass window. He had only one black sclera, one red eye, while his right eye remain a light grey. It was undoubtedly human.

So he was half-human…half-ghoul... Now that explains why he was having trouble eating…

_**End of Flashback** _

 

 

He slowly wake. This time the line inside the bookstore was noticeably shorter. Too short that he woke staring up at blue eyes in surprise.

"Welcome back." She said sarcastically.

"I'm home." He mockingly answered back.

"You're an idiot you know that?" She replied moving away from the bed.

"I've been told." He answered back with a slight smile. She only sigh as she turn ready to get up. He didn't want her to leave so he instinctively reached for her right wrist and used his left arm to shield the bright lights from his eyes. He was having a hard time seeing her face due to the blinding light of the lamp.

"How did you find me?"

"Police station."

She didn't comment on why he was still holding onto her wrist, instead she use her left hand to position a glass of water near his lips. He tilt his head upwards to drink.

"A girl notify the authority and they found you passed out in an ally. You're lucky nothing else happened. Count your star that they found a phone number I left in your jacket pocket. I had to leave the café early to get you. It's late and I still haven't started on my homework. I told you not to cause any trouble. It's all your fault."

He laughs. For the first time, there was no anger in her tone.

"You're intolerable, you know that?" Her voice sounded worry with a mix of irritation. But there was a small smile on her face.

"Sorry. What can I do to make it up?"

She stare at him with a frown.

"For starters, eat."

Now it was his turn to drop his smile. That was the one thing he couldn't do. He can't do it… That was the whole reason all this started. It was why he left, he didn't want another frustrating argument, didn't want to look at the bloody food, didn't want to stay in this rusty apartment for another second! That was why he had gone outside, he thought he could control himself, it was more of a rebellion, he didn't want to be alone, he blamed her for not being with him…He acted out childishly because he doesn't want her to treat him like a child, ironically he acted like one causing trouble for probably a lot of people… And in the end made her more worry.

"I ca—"

"Here." She interrupted with her arm in his face.

He stare at it in confusion. What was he supposed to do with that? Then a horrifying conclusion came to him.

"You can't be serious…" He whispered out more to himself than to anyone else.

"Eat." She place her forearm to his lips.

"Don't tell me you can't eat this?"

He looked at her incredulously. Of course he can't!

"Stop being a spoil brat!" She shouted exhaustedly. Her cheeks was red from frustration, her eyes tired with dark circles and heavy eyelids. Now that his pupils became adjusted to the light, he could she her face. She looked fatigued, drained with a pale complexion. His mind raced. How long was he out? Have she been taking care of him all this time? What time was it? What day was it? Was there truly a phone number in his jacket pocket? Did he even bring a jacket? Did she search all over Tokyo for him?! Why did she lied?

"Eat! God damnit! I don't care what I have to do! I'll force it down your throat! I'm not losing you or anyone else again!" She didn't cry, it was worse. She held an expression of defeat. There was so much regret and grief in her usually clear eyes, however they were now murky and clouded. He was too stunned to move. His mind had stop. He lay frozen. He prefer her crying over this. He didn't know what to do… Why was she acting like this? His eating disorder was his problem! He should be the only one suffering! He was the one hurting most! So why?! Why was she in more pain than him? Why was she suffering? Why does she care so god damn much?!

Unknowingly tears were falling from his eyes, he realized moments later that he was the one crying this time. Everything he held inside flooded out. He finally relented, his tears mixing with her blood as he bites down.

This was all her fault.

Why he was doing something so despicable.

Why he was feeling so vile.

**He was loathsome.**

The meat in his mouth tasted disgusting. Not the soft and sweet flesh he craved. Not the appetizing aftertaste he wanted. And most definitely not the satisfaction he desired! It was horrible, revolting, and extremely bitter. Yet! It was warm, it was her, it was something different that calms his mind so he took a bite and another and another! He could not stop. Not the tears, not his stubborn hunger and not even being able to stop himself from eating her entire arm! He could not stop. He was the worst, most revolting monster in the skin of a ghoul— in the skin of a human. He does comprehend...he's becoming…neither ghoul...nor human...

He licks every drop of blood, not wasting a single cell. He consumes it all—everything, she was too previous to waste. He lick his lips as he slowly opens his eyes. He could feel his power growing, his left eye smirking and his hunger creasing. It was at a manageable level for him to think rationally and he froze. His mind finally catching up with his action. What he just did. What he had done. _For he just ate from his sister!_

"Touka! Touka! Are you alright?! I'm sorry I'm so sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I—I—"

He was frantic. The girl in his arms lay still as both her forearms shows big, bloody bite marks. He could see the radius and ulna of her arm!

"Idiot, calm down." She said with a weak voice. Her eyes fluttering open. "I won't die from something like this. I'm just relief you stopped. Now help me wrap this up."

The white-haired male lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding before immediately placing her gently down and moving to do as instructed. He ran to the kitchen's cabinets and started frantically digging, opening everything in sight before finally seeing the white medical box at the base of the bedroom floor. He stood there blinking, then rushed to the sink, wash his hands before hastening back to open the first aid box. He search for the latex gloves. Wore them then took out a clean cloth to add pressure to her arms. Judging from her eyes glazing over and blurring, Touka was going into shock due to the pain and blood loss. She was losing consciousness. The panicking was starting again. He doesn't know—remember how to dress a wound!

"Kan…eki… Don't go…"

He looks up. It was that name again. His body froze, his mind throbbing. She was in a daze, unaware of what she had said. Kaneki… Her voice sounds like she was begging _that_ person to stay. She was looking at him so desperately. Was she mistaking him for _that_ person again? He wanted to say that he wasn't Kaneki; he wasn't the one she was looking for…

"Go where? I just went for a walk." He said softy.

She smile.

"That's good. I thought you had left."

"Why would I do that?" His mind was in tremendous pain. He disregarded it.

"Because you always…bare everything alone… It's always snowing—I tried to search for you… I was always trying to find you… I'm always trying to catch up…to you… But you never once look back…"

He doesn't know how to reply. He wasn't Kaneki, he wasn't the person she wants. So he wasn't the one that should be listening into something like this… He can't do this to her. He can't lie to her and pretend that he was that person, because he wasn't. She deserves better—to hear the answers from the person himself.

"Touka…I'm not—"

"We're a family, right?"

He stopped. She was smiling so peacefully. Maybe this time she was talking to Kamishiro Izare.

"Yeah." He whispered weakly as he started straying the saline solution to one of her arms. He then apply the antibacterial cream as he reached for the gauze bandage roll. He slowly started at the bottom of the elbow to wrap gently and carefully down to the wrist. The wounds and bite marks were horrible. There was patches of skin and muscles still on bones while other parts of the forearm was plainly bone.

"That's good. Let's become a family... A family that will never abandon each other…"

His lips were trembling, he bit down hard drawing blood. His mind was in conflict. _He doesn't want to be her family..._

_"I want to be your—"_

Touka had close her eyes, appearing to be in peaceful slumber. He was glad he stopped himself before he'd confessed his sin. It would surely destroy their relationship...ruin her... She must never know; he'll take it to his grave.

Izare follow the same process of bandaging her other arm. When he was finished, the half-ghoul stood up from his spot on the floor to place the blue blanket over her. He froze midway when realization struck, the bandages around her neck from that time…did he do that too? Was that the reason why she had such an irrational idea to have him feed from her? His stubbornness could truly kill her someday…and that _scares_ him. He doesn't want to lose her. The solution is simple, a part of his mind told him. From now on, he'll just have to make sure he _won't_ lose her.

Grays eyes gaze down at her with determination. A sad smile on his crack lips.

"Silly girl. That's impossible now… I can't abandon you. You might do something stupid if I did."

He couldn't comprehend why this girl was trying so hard to the point that she would let him eat from her. Why was she so desperate? Why does she suffer to the extent of worrying herself to exhaustion…? It was clearly making her miserable…and the worse thing about it was that it was all for his sake. _Why?_ Was it because he was family? Her brother? Does family go to such extreme for each other? Was it truly him she cares about…or _Kaneki?_

He now knew his original name; who he was in the past, with his memories, a life he had forgotten. Yet, that person doesn't exist anymore. He had sense it when he first awoken. That person was a coward and ran. Kaneki, the person Touka treasure was gone. Although he may look like the Kaneki Touka knew… Kamishiro Izare is not her older brother. He was not Kaneki. He doesn't want to be that person. Yet, he was selfish and wanted more, he wanted to know exactly who Kaneki was and erase him completely from her memories. It wasn't about recalling the past that was important to him. It was her, which became precious.

Kaneki has many things. A family, friends, Touka's affection, dreams and memories of happier moments in life…Maybe even the memories of having parents. Izare however, was blank. He doesn't have anything. He feels out of place in this world. Perhaps all he has is Touka's lingering affection for Kaneki. Izare doesn't really mind…as long as he can be with her, it was enough for him. He doesn't wish for much. He just wanted his important person to live smiling. He just sought to protect her happiness.

_He knows._

**He knew all along.**

He was playing the fool… He was pitiful. For in the end, he was jealous of himself. Envious of his older brother… All because he was deeply in love with his younger sister… He was _laughable!_ He doesn't know where and how these emotions came about. Before he realized, it was too late. He could not stop, for he had fallen for her. He doesn't know how to _make it stop_ or what to do with it… He tried to make it disappear, to confine it in the corner of his mind. To _seal_ it, to deny its existence to the point that he _prays_ it was something else entirely.

Like he said, he was weird.

Abnormal and insane. It was never her, it was him from the start.

_Because he was disgusting for loving his own sister._

He doesn't think it's wrong. He would do anything for her.

But will his family accept him? If Touka knew...would she _accept_ him? He doesn't care what the world thinks. He only care what she thinks. Fear starts crawling in. He was scare of—it was tiring to think. He was so very tired…

He doesn't know how long he can maintain his role. He doesn't need salvation. Or forgiveness. Only a little…just a little is enough…

He promise. He'll end his feelings for her. They will be a family again, just like she wished for.

Izare settles himself beside the sleeping girl, hesitantly wrapping his arm around her waist. His face ease into a natural smile. He could smell her lavender shampoo, how the strands of her hair tickle his cheek and feel her curling into his embrace. Her soft breaths lingers on his neck, making him feel a fuzzy warmth. His heart race, yet he finds himself at peace. Nothing looms over him, he felt no hunger or pain. This was the first time he truly felt at home.

The white-haired male close his eyes and let sleep consumes him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes: This chapter was frustrating to write. You have no idea how many times I revised this. I hope all my effort pays off! Also the timeline in this chapter is disorganized because I wanted to portray Kaneki/Izare's developing sense of self and how they mix. Also the events unravels how Izare/Kaneki came to the acceptance they did. At the end it's clear there is establishment in character development, which will influence plot in later chapters.
> 
> Please let me know how I did :)


End file.
